That pesky doubt…

I know I’m not perfect.  I know that I’m far from it.  But just how far from it am I?  There are days when the kids are well behaved, the house is clean, and I actually get out of my pajamas.  Those days, I start thinking that I’m doing thing right.  I’m pretty good at this mom thing.

Then there are days like today.  Days when there’s still food all over the floor under Budgie’s high chair.  When I find Binnybean’s Little People Disney princesses hidden under a blanket instead of put away like I asked.  And asked.  And insisted.  When I get multiple rejection letters from jobs I’ve applied to.  Days like today make me wonder what I’m doing wrong.

What am I doing wrong on the job search?  I know, the market isn’t great.  It seems like it takes seventeen years of experience and a master’s degree to get an entry level job.  But that can’t be all of it.  All of the other Computer Science majors I’m in touch with have jobs.  Part of that is the job fairs and networking events they attended.  Job fairs I didn’t attend because I was massively pregnant with Budgie.  And as much as I hate to admit it, there’s still a lot of negative preconceptions about hiring women who have conceived.  But that can’t be all of it, either.

I’m trying to get my foot in the door to get that perennially required experience.  So I’m applying for jobs I don’t appear (on paper) qualified for. Experts say you should apply for jobs even if you don’t meet all the criteria, as long as you’re close.  But what does “close” mean?  75%?  90%  How close is close enough?  How good is good enough?  Am I good enough?

I have to keep believing that I’m good enough.  I have to believe that I will find that first job after graduation.  It probably won’t be my perfect job, my dream job.  I know that.  As long as I can make enough to afford daycare for my kids, I can be done in time to pick them up, and I can start building experience, that’s all that matters.  Would I love to get the eCommerce job with the Packers Pro Shop that I applied for?  Hell yeah.  But, honestly, I would love to get any job that will help me build my future.  I am good enough.  I will get that job.  It will happen when it’s meant to happen, and I need to soak up every minute with my kids until that happens.

And that’s what I’ll tell myself as I lay awake in bed tonight, doubting myself and wondering what the heck I’m going to do next.

So if you’re one of those parents who doubt themselves, you’re not alone.  If you’re one of those unemployed or underemployed people searching and searching for something, you’re not alone.  If you’re trying to better yourself (lose weight, quit smoking) and you doubt that you have what it takes, you’re not alone.

You’re not alone.

I’m here with you.

We can do this.

2 comments on “That pesky doubt…

  1. Every soul on earth is good for something, someone. That changes, though, every day, even every hour. There have been times I was needed desperately at work, and an hour later, at home. In the middle of that there would be a premature baby birth for me to attend that trumped all. You just need to believe there’s a divine plan, and your mission in this life is to keep seeking out your tiny part of that plan each day, each hour, each minute. Your desires don’t always match what the world needs from you today….

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